http://neodorks.com/index.php var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www."); document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src='" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); ]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry100225-145529 One day they ask you to build a clock. 
You don't know how to build a clock and for that you blame the hammer. 
Eventually everything can be the hammer's fault. 
But you still won't know how to build a clock.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry091111-080134  
Then he waited.  
 
I think it was his version of an argument and so I played along as best I could.  
 
"I hate people who say things like that," I said. "As a rule."  
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090528-131222  
I don't know which one of them is Eric and so I'll probably write "Which one of you was Eric?" in his farewell card. 
 
If he knew me better he'd understand.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090521-104016  
More often than not I'm both at the same time and so it puzzles me that she shouldn't know that by now. 
 
"Then one of us needs to try harder," I replied, tapping my fingers on her desk. "I'll go first." 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090515-132939  
"Which war are you looking to end?" I asked as I accepted the paper. "There are several, as I'm sure you know." 
 
"Every war," she replied without hesitation. 
 
I wondered aloud if she might not then want to consider changing her message to an even more elegant "END WAR." It struck me that she wanted to go after the concept more than any particular implementation. 
 
"No-one would ever talk to me if I did that," she explained. "Plus we've already printed the signs." 
 
And so that's how we agreed to keep it to just the one war for today. 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090507-145019  
"Whatever," he shrugged. "Just it bring it out, honey. I don't give a shit." 
 
She left their table and stopped by mine on her way to the kitchen. 
 
"I'll give you twenty dollars if you put a booger in their guacamole," I offered. 
 
"Thanks just the same," she replied with the hint of a smile. "This one's on the house." 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090506-200259  
One asked if she could read what I was writing. 
 
"I doubt it," I said. "But we should try that." 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090423-155645  
Risks and causalities.  
 
We'll assume both when we pretend to know what we really want. 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090413-132554  
I found her perched on the sill of an opened window that might have just as easily been closed on that given day. 
 
I watched and listened. She smiled and sang.  
 
This was the day an angel sang to a stranger.  
 
A most unlikely private audience indeed. 
 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090410-181813  
This is either a quality or a condition. 
 
I've not yet decided who should make that call. 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090331-172742  
These are easy. 
 
Talk to me about your near-misses with life. That's where poetry lives.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090331-082243 In the back I write these random thoughts. In the front I jot notes for my memoirs.  
 
By the time I reach the middle I suspect I'll no longer need either.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090331-081841 --C.W.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090330-093255 --C.W.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090330-093233 --C.W.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090330-092959 --C.W.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090319-102933  
"It could be worse," he thought. "I could be allergic too." 
 
He never shared that with her. 
 
They're still friends, or at least they claim to be. 
 
I'm not buying it.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090311-194604  
"I know," I told her. "That's fine." 
 
"Well that's part of it," she added. "The not caring, I mean. It's all a part of doing it wrong, isn't it?" 
 
"Sure," I said. "Not caring is part of it." 
 
We'll talk about this later.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090310-093130  
"I can't say," I admitted. "But I might suggest that you run your thoughts by the men sleeping on cardboard in the alley. You know - for validation." 
 
Perspective is easy. Especially when you don't need it.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090309-201113  
Our tiny jet is more a floating foyer than a formal jetliner and, at 40,000 feet, the rules and conventions of commercial air travel simply do not apply. 
 
"I'll bet I could get that door opened before you could kill me," she said in a voice that she would likely have described as playful. 
 
I finished my scotch, turned my seat toward hers, and unbuckled my restraint.  
 
"Ready?" I asked. 
 
I'll bet we never speak of this again.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090308-104609  
"And so I'm suddenly more approachable?" I asked the hairiest of the group. "How does that happen?" 
 
"You're neither more nor less approachable," he explained. "We've just grown accustomed to the fact that you're here some days. That's all." 
 
He didn't realize that he'd just described nearly every relationship of my adult existence. 
 
I'm not about to tell him either. 
 
Not just yet.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090306-081754  
So few people appreciate how well Vassar prepares Midwestern princesses for what the rest of us know as the real world.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090304-145713  
That bird doesn't need my approval or respect nevertheless I have concerns for its well-being. I wonder aloud if I've just seen the worst hawk in the county if not even the whole world. 
 
It occurs to me that there have to be hawks who are simply better at being birds than others. Indeed, somewhere on the planet is the world's worst hawk. 
 
It's probably arrogance to assume that none of this matters to a bird.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090221-081129  
"I wonder if we might not want to make room to let this gentleman pass," I suggested to a frazzled stranger. 
 
"Screw that," he replied. "If God had wanted him to have special rights he never would have put him in a damned wheelchair, would he?" 
 
In that single, bitter capsule I tasted the seeds of book burnings, hate crimes, and the false prophets who have violated the trust of a generation in the name of nationalist entitlement. 
 
Special rights indeed.  
 
I'm embarrassed enough for both of us. Carry on.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090220-071233  
Invariably I over-compensate and, when meeting the next person, greet them explosively as I might imagine an angry Grover or Fred Sanford would do. 
 
I'm considering a new system of hand signals or glottal grunts to pass as hallway platitudes but have not yet settled on a marketing plan.  
 
And so my challenge for these trying days shall be to socialize the grunt. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090215-010855  
"Perhaps we should have invited your dog instead," he replied curtly. 
 
"So I am correct in my assumptions," I continued. "You are addicted to rejection."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090210-135144  
I think that's what he said anyway. I was on the phone.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090122-070413  
"Do you remember the time in the old house when my cello caught fire?" she asked. "You ran downstairs, slipped on the cat puke, broke your toe and burned away most of your hair. Do you remember that?" 
 
I'd spent eight days in a local hospital. The incident fits among my least forgettable. 
 
"Vaguely," I replied, peeking over my glasses. "Why do you ask?" 
 
"No reason, really," she said. "Hearing Yo Yo Ma always makes me think of that cello is all."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090121-085039  
I thanked him enthusiastically for his time and likely came across as somewhat star-struck. 
 
The truth is that he helped me along a certain path to a distantly vague inner peace. 
 
No matter how hopeless my situation may become today, tomorrow, or in an undetermined future, at least I'll never have to speak of my days as the unpicked virgin. 
 
Thank you Roger. Or Jim. 
 
I seem to have forgotten his name.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090111-110919  
"Nebraska?" she said, thoughtfully. "Isn't that the one by Chicago? The one where your cat shat all over the front seats?" 
 
"It is," I confirmed. "And I'm pretty sure your recollection is precisely how the good people of the Husker State would prefer to be remembered." ]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry090102-191939  
We found the masterpiece this weekend in a box of forgotten relics from my mother's attic. 
 
"What's this?" my daughter asked as she helped me sort through the musty piles. 
 
"That right there is a pot-holder for Christ," I told her in my own matter-of-fact way. 
 
I added that, when I was a child, Jesus would visit our homes after school and whip up a batch of Macaroni & Cheese. We used to enjoy Jesus' wholesome snack with a glass of juice and an episode or two of "Hogan's Heroes." 
 
"Really?" she wondered aloud. 
 
"No," I told her."Not really."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081124-191621  
"What's with that name?" my boss lamented. "Can't we just call him 'BJ' or something?" 
 
"Oh, I think you can call him BJ once," I told her. "After that I'd say that I'm probably taking over your job." 
 
She blushed accordingly and we did our best to pretend the exchange had never occurred.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081121-204319  
And so I wrote: "I look forward to participating in my co-workers' lame-ass life memes." 
 
I had operated under the mistaken assumption that my anonymity was to be preserved.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081116-125402  
"I doubt it," I assured her. "That is, unless your friends are the hillbillies who parked in my yard last night." 
 
And so this is how I learned that the new neighbors had never really seen themselves as hillbillies before yesterday.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081106-085710  
"Oh no," I said, cocking my head to one side. "Please tell me you weren't driving the Porsche..." 
 
To the casual observer it would likely have seemed that I bore a sincere interest in either the man or his car. Neither could be farther from the truth. 
 
I'll spend the day undoing this in my own mind.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081104-104619  
Our polling place was not equipped with "I Voted" stickers this year. I'm pretty sure I've never seen such a beast in our precinct and I was puzzled to hear the rumblings of those who were disappointed by the lack of the socio-political bling. 
 
"I know I don't need the sticker to make this official," the thirty-something woman whined to the old soldier by the door. "I just wanted some sort of affirmation." 
 
From behind the sign-in table, another ancient volunteer explained, “We don’t got no donuts neither so I hope you weren’t expecting breakfast.”  
 
The old folks cackled and the thirty-something woman walked out of the room with the confused and wounded air of a child who'd just received socks and underwear from Santa Claus. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081023-222447  
For days I've floated through the world as a ghost but have found my way home each night. 
 
Now I'm coming out of the fog and need to sort the real from the rest and fix what's broken in my wake. 
 
Soaked sheets, shivering lights and fingers numb from lethargy. 
 
Quite the week indeed.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081020-151614  
I noticed, of course, given that these are more the hemp overall, flip flop, patchouli crowd as a rule. The organized spy look impressed me but I rarely share my appreciation for such creativity. 
 
At around 3 o'clock one of the more outgoing women popped her head in my door and, with a perplexed air, asked, "So? Aren't you even going to ask about the outfits?" 
 
"Outfits?" I replied, peeking over the top of my glasses in her general direction. "I'm sorry. I hadn't noticed. Have you done something different?" 
 
She sighed heavily and walked off, visibly perturbed if not even dejected. 
 
I do wonder about the choice of attire but I'm not about to ask anyone. 
 
It would only discourage them from trying harder the next go-around.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081017-110224  
As a young man he'd owned and operated "Hoop's Bait Shack" and on packaging and promotional materials had printed: 
 
"Our worms are guaranteed to catch fish or die trying." 
 
I probably shouldn't have shared this on the call.  
 
Worms don't always realize that they're not fish. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081016-125115  
He sauntered to my table and asked if he could bring anything else.  
 
I told him, "Yes. A time machine set to take me back to a happier world where there still exists a chance that I might one day consider dining in this shit hole again." 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081015-075331  
In my reply I told him that I liked his poem very much although I'll admit here that I really didn't get it.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081013-223515  
They were a noisy lot. 
 
I tend to document as many of the intense, staged moments of my life as possible. I always assume that passionate people are, to some degree, making believe and acting out. Legitimizing their tantrums with my cameras makes it fun for all of us and is really the least I can do. 
 
As I clicked and maneuvered, the be-dogged officer approached and asked softly, "What are photographing, sir?" 
 
"Are you asking as man, as the uniform or on behalf of the dog?" I wondered aloud. 
 
"What difference does it make?" he pressed - annoyed and visibly incited to violate my right to privacy and free speech. 
 
"It would make no difference at all," I agreed, "if we lived in Cuba. Now why don't you fuck off and get out of my shot, officer? I don't need any more pictures of you." 
 
I made bail. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081011-081032 really your name." 
 
I told her that it was a little late in the game for her thoughts on this question to matter but that I would take the issue up with you - in this forum. 
 
And so I guess we can check this off the list.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081009-155851  
"Well, you are a genius, are you not?" I asked. "The sign states clearly that you are." 
 
"I am a genius," she clarified. "But my name is not 'Genius'." 
 
And so when I started my sentence with, "Look, Genius," I'd found a way to call the distinction to light. 
 
We're close but have yet to reach a consensus as to the nature of her own particular ingenuity.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry081006-221708  
And then he stopped flailing as he examined a puff of bubbles that had landed on his knee. 
 
"Ah! Bubbles!" he said. "I remember bubbles. When I was an old man I liked them a lot. I like bubbles." 
 
A somewhat subdued splashing brought the pause to a close and I think we both wondered what the child must have been like as an old man. 
 
Perhaps I'd known him then. 
 
What might I have recalled with fondness as an old man of three?]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080922-212221  
I followed a fews steps behind her with leaflets of my own. Mine read: "What was the question again?" 
 
I've always been the Johnny Carson to her Ed McMahon.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080911-163633  
New York feels like that conversation today. No-one here ever wanted to remember September 11, 2001 with lapel pins, tears or bluster. 
 
And before the day's done someone will point out that we still don't know what we still don't know.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080908-193306  
"You know what, I have plans," I told her. "I guess I knew that you would be in the city today but it just didn't occur to me..." 
 
"To think of me?" she interrupted. "That's okay, I get it," she continued. "I know how you are." 
 
She'd been waiting to use that line on me for a long time. 
 
For the record - it sounded better a few weeks back - when I used it on her.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080904-195853  
"What's with the tie?" I asked. 
 
"Oh it's a social experiment," he replied. "I want to see if people behave differently toward me when I'm dressed more formally." 
 
"Gotcha," I said. "How's it coming along? Notice any behavior that's out of the norm?" 
 
"Well, you asked me why I was wearing a tie," he answered. "That doesn't usually happen."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080903-102527  
Among her pet peeves, she said, are the people who clip their fingernails in the workplace. 
 
I responded that among my pet peeves are the people who answer questions that I don't ask. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080902-223648  
I don't know how many times I've seen this in my life and I wish now that I'd kept count. 
 
Sometimes the things that we forget with the greatest of facility are lights that are flickering on and off to get our attention. 
 
I think I was supposed to have kept a running tally but instead I quickened my pace.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080827-215734  
"We can't hear you down here, brother," they complained. 
 
"You weren't meant to," I explained. "I wasn't talking to you."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080821-132447  
"What are you reading?" I asked, cocking my head to see a page. "Funeral notices?" 
 
She explained that she was combing through these and other artifacts to document the deaths of people-of-color in our area over the past century. 
 
I asked if she intended to use her research to support any particular position or hypothesis. 
 
"No," she answered. "I just want to know that they were here. Someday other people will want to know too." 
 
"Well then good luck," I said, turning away from the table. "Yours is an interesting and noble hobby." 
 
As I walked away my daughter complained, "I don't know why you have to pick fights with everyone you meet. Sometimes people are just doing what they're doing to be doing what they're doing." 
 
"No. People are never just doing what they're doing to be doing what they're doing," I replied, "and it's our job to point that out." 
 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080819-201901  
"Whatever happened to you?" she asked, ostensibly for the brother whom I'd only pretended to recall in the interest of expediency. 
 
"Well," I told her, "I left for a very long time, put all of you far out of my mind, learned wonderful things and passed them along to students whom I now miss dearly." 
 
"So random!" she replied, shaking her head. "You're funny. Just like I pictured you to be."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080815-124105  
And so this is how he asks if I'll drive the next time. 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080814-201046  
I'm sure this was her attempt to be funny but I saw no reason to encourage such nonsense. 
 
"It acts that way because you encourage it," I told her. "Ignore it for a few days and it will quiet down considerably." 
 
"It's a phone, not a child," she explained, somewhat miffed. 
 
"I realize that," I said. "Had it been your child I'd have recommended you kill the thing in its sleep." 
 
And so this is how she learns that I'm not funny too.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080811-100834  
Fall semester used to be my Spring. Anything was possible and everything was new. 
 
Now Fall semester means shuffling armies of disconnected iZombies and articulate drive-thru. 
 
Did I stop seeing magic around me or did the magic choose to move on as well? 
]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080810-223347  
"Why did you ignore my email?" was her exact wording. 
 
"I didn't ignore anything," I told her. "I just didn't feel like talking to you." 
 
She called me a liar. 
 
We'll have the same conversation next month.]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080808-031143  
I told her she was correct in thinking so. 
 
"You know what else is bad for you?" I continued. 
 
"What else?" she wondered. 
 
"A couple of things," I explained. "One is talking to strangers. Another is the apparent inability to mind one's own business."]]> http://neodorks.com/index.php?entry=entry080801-145912 That wisdom is awarded through tragedy and sadness is yet another of life's wicked secrets. 
 
We're better for learning them but the lessons are bruising and unflinching. 
 
I'm sorry for your education but glad that you've found specks of truth in the muddy waters of mourning. 
]]>